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A More Innocent Time
posted Wednesday, 31 May 2006
Of the many virtues that make the internet so worthy of our rhapsody, another I would like to add to the list is how it allows us to go back in time and enjoy various cultural phenomenons that we missed thanks to reasons as diverse as age, geography and mistaken disinterest. Here on the web we can relive whole zeitgeists that passed us by before we even had a chance to be aware that they existed--thanks to those that refuse to let these moments become lost to the sands of time.
I had never heard of Sabrina Salerno before the internet came into my life. Despite the fact that her English language albums were huge throughout Europe in the mid to late 80s, the Italian songstress never was able to make any sort of impact in North America. The reason for this is easily understood once you've heard her most successful singles--all of which reach a level of awfulness so pure that they attain an almost mystical state of self parody that comes frighteningly close to redeeming them. This is Europop Disco at its greatest peak, and thus--ironically--its nadir as well. How bad is it?
Let's put it this way--Samantha Fox managed to get airtime on MTV and MuchMusic during that same period, but Sabrina never did.
Yes, that bad.
Still, despite her obscurity in North America, she was popular enough to sell 20 million albums worldwide. I'll let that number sink in for a moment. Think of it like this: you know that really talented guy/girl who you've seen play these amazing acoustic sets at the open stage held each Wednesday at the bar beside your apartment? The one who you're secretly in love with and know in your heart will someday become a world famous superstar?
Sabrina has sold 20 million more albums than they ever will.
Now being an extremely guilty pleasure is one thing, but you have to have something else going for you to sell those kind of numbers, and Sabrina certainly did.
Can you guess what it was?
Take a sec.
It rhymes with pouncing vests.
Lip-Synching "Boys" on German Television
In an age where sex appeal mattered far more than substance (unlike today, of course) Sabrina was able to ride a wave of global stardom based on her ability to dance around a stage, lip-synching to one of her songs while simultaneously not wearing a bra. Now this alone is probably good for at least 5 million albums, but what really put her over the edge was that she would have "accidents" (many of which, thanks to the keepers of her flame, still live on today here in cybertopia). Now some would suggest that these "accidents" were purely the result of what would inevitably happen when a well-endowed young woman started dancing on stage sans bra, but a more cynical, jaded type would not be out of line to suggest that this was all part of a well planned out design with each "accidental" flash of nipple selling a couple million units at least.
That said, the absurd overtness of her performences is so brazen in its utter lack of subtlety it--in combination with the juvenile simplicity of her music--takes on the quality of an endearingly quaint innocence. The effect is an experience that is not so much purient as a cheerful reminder of a time when something so simple could be so effective. One merely has to take a look at her closest present day international equivalent--the Russian Eurotrash duo T.A.T.U. These days it is not merely enough for two hot Russian chicks to go on stage singing love songs while dressed in Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, now they have to be singing those love songs to each other as well.
It's enough to make a fella go crazy with the nostalgia of it all.
But enough of my pretentious musings--bring on more of those bouncing boobies!
The Official Video For "Like A Yo-Yo"
So? Best post ever? Quite possibly. At least this will bring in a different crowd than those goddamn Morgan Fairchild fans.
Commentary From the Masses