Of Pig Heads and Happy Endings: Part Four and a Half of an Intermittent Feature

Could there be something Alby and Rahji are not telling us?  Did I detect a small, melancholy pause before Alby told the laughing behemoth that he had booked him time on a floating brothel? 

Sadly, before the movie can answer these intriguing questions, Shô Kosugi decides that this is the perfect time to try and stop Rahji, but he seriously underestimates the depths of the mad monster's strength.  This is proved when Rahji manages to stop a bullet with HIS BARE HAND!

Shô Kosugi then attempts to take down the villain with some martial arts, but Rahji is able to easily knock the ninja out of the helicopter (taking off the door in the process).  But our hero is no sissy, so--as the helicopter starts to take off--he grabs hold of one of its landing rails and is lifted up into the wild grey yonder, as Rahji attempts to stamp him off.

A brief struggle for dominance ensues, and--against the odds--our hero comes out on top, largely because of his use of a claw-like hand-thingie that he manages to produce completely out of nowhere, like the ninja magician that he is.

Thanks to his ingenuity, Shô Kosugi is able to send Rahji tumbling to the water below and reclaim his helicopter.  Following his victory, he and his teammates enage in some incomprehensible but valuable runtime wasting radio banter before the action moves back to the jungle where Alby and Honey have reached their base camp.  Alby inspires his mercenaries with his version of a St. Crispin's day speech and gifts of cocaine. 

Hot on his trail, our teammates decide to go to the floating brothel Alby mentioned to Rahji during their brief love chat.  The two professional girls Madame Woo Pee sent to greet the helicopter on a nearby island get the surprise of their life when, instead of a seven foot tall muslim, they instead find a White Asshole and a ninja.  But Madame Woo Pee (who isn't Asian and who must be the identical twin sister of the madame who ran the Chinatown brothel) isn't a fool and she gets suspicious when it takes longer than it should for her girls to return to the ship with Rahji.

As White Asshole talks to the working girls (one of whom offers to "clean out his pipes") Shô Kosugi strips down to his speedos and swims over to the floating palace and gets onboard without being detected.  He is quickly able to find out where Alby's camp is located by threatening a guy who's dressed like he's either a bartender or waiter, but must be one of Alby's drug runners.

Having gotten the information he desires, Shô Kosugi attempts to sneak off the boat, but is distracted by the offer of "whoopie" from one of Madame Woo Pee's (get it?  Whoopie sounds just like Woo Pee!) harlots.  This gives one of the guards enough time to recognize him as an interloper in the midst and attack him.  He manages to escape, while Madame Woo Pee herself fires at him with a very large machine gun as her hos run for cover:

Allow me if you will, a brief digression from the subject at hand, so I can briefly discuss an interesting paradox frequently seen in low budget movies such as this.  I call it the Prostitute Paradox, but it is also applicable to films involving exotic dancers.  It goes something like this: the more a movie prostitute/stripper looks like a real prostitute/stripper the less realistic the scene becomes.  As viewers we have grown so accustomed to movie sex workers looking like models, that when we are presented with actresses who actually look like they could be reasonably priced sex workers it negatively affects the truth of the scene.  So by persuing verisimilitude (or--more likely--being unable to afford to hire attractive actresses) filmmakers run the risk of making their work less rather than more believable than they had intended.  And here the digression and the scene with all the ugly hookers ends.  Almost.

After a very long and unneccessary underwater sequence, Shô Kosugi makes it to shore, only to face the murderous wrath of one last slattern in a wet t-shirt.  She attacks him with a knife and forces us to watch the most awkward almost-fight scene ever seen in a ninja movie:

Watching this sequence causes me to imagine another telephone conversation between our leading man and the movie's writer/director:

Emmett Alston: Hey Shô, my secretary said you wanted to talk?

Shô Kosugi: Hi Emmett.  Yeah, I'm a bit concerned about the scene with me and the knife-wielding hooker on the beach.

EA: What's wrong with it?

SK: Well, in the script it's described as a long, hard struggle....

EA: Yeah?  And....

SK: My character's a ninja....

EA: I know that!  I did write the thing after all.  What's your point?

SK: I just don't think a ninja would have that much trouble dispatching a hooker with a knife.  All he'd have to do is touch a pressure point and she'd drop like a rock.

EA: What is it with you and pressure points?  All you ever talk about is pressure points!  Do you want to be a fucking movie star or a fucking masseuse?

SK: I was just trying to think of a non-violent way to dispatch her.  I could just kick her in the head.

EA: (Sighing) Shô do you have your script with you right now?

SK: Of course, I have it with me at all times.

EA: Yes, you're very dedicated.  Will you do me a favour and tell me what it says the hooker is wearing in this scene?

SK: Uh...a t-shirt and bikini panties.  What has that got to do with anything?

EA: Everything!  Look, we're working for two different masters on this movie.  We have to have enough sex to make sure that adult males don't feel ripped off, but not so much parents won't let their kids watch it.  That's why we have scenes set in two brothels, but no actual sex.  It's also why we have your character get attacked on a beach by a whore in a wet t-shirt!  That way we can get nipples into the movie without any actual nudity.  Do you get it?

SK: I guess so....

EA: Good, I'm glad.  Is there anything else?

SK: Yeah, I was wondering about the scene with the midgets....

EA: (Hangs up)

Now that they know the location of Alby's camp, White Asshole and Shô Kosugi start flying in its direction as CBG joins forces with the Philippino army and forms a plan of attack.  The leader of the foreign army tells Hot Secretary, who has no reason to be at the army base, but who is anyway, to tell her boss, Creepy, that they know where the terrorists are and that they are on their way to rescue the hostages.  But it turns out, in a twist that shocks the audience to its very foundation, that she is the informant Alby referred to earlier in the movie.  But before she can share her knowledge with bald drug runner--who also has no reason to be at the army base, but who is anyway--they are interrupted by CBG who incapacitates BDR with a gun that shoots out burst of epoxy while HS looks on shamefully.  After she has rendered him immobile, she asks her rival for White Asshole's affections "So, what kind of junk they got you hooked on, huh?" to which HS replies "What do you think?  The good stuff," which she then indicates by making an exagerated sniffing sound.  CBG is so astounded by this, she just walks away, but then who wouldn't?

As all of this is happening, Shô Kosugi and White Asshole have made it to the jungle.  There they discover a dead body and Shô Kosugi uses his ninja skillz to find the booby traps Alby and his crew left for them, which he then uses to cause a great big 'splosion.

Alby, Honey and all of their little mercs see the explosion and assume that their persuers have perished, which delights them and leads them to believe that they now have "hand" as George Costanza once so famously referred to it.  Honey is inspired by this mistaken belief into working up Alby's men by promising a half hour with one of her girls for each "pig head" they bring to her. 

The first time I watched this movie I thought she was saying "pink head" and was urging Alby's mercs to castrate their enemies, which seemed perfectably reasonable given her other actions made during the course of the film, but it turns out I was wrong, which is really disappointing, because my version is a lot easier to make fun of.  As it actually is the scene is just lame, but as I thought it was it was brilliantly awful.

So lets pretend it never happened and just move on.

Our team is hot on the trail of the terrorists.  Shô Kosugi has gone out ahead of the others, because he's a ninja and that's what they do.  He runs into an ambush, but takes care of it by shooting exploding arrows with his crossbow.

And White Asshole helps by firing a really big gun, which I assume he uses on account of his tiny penis (and please take note that he still can't fire a weapon with his eyes open).

As our special team decimates their enemies, Shô Kosugi decides to show everyone that he enjoys taking traditional weapons and updating them for our modern times.  For example he turns one of his sai's into a dartgun, but you'll have to take my word for it, since we're entering the last stretch of this post and I want to get it finished before Veronica Mars starts, which means I'm going to start being a lot more stingy with the funky moving screencaps.  Suffice it to say, our boys kick some major terrorist ass, but that doesn't mean they've gotten the job done, since Alby and Honey are still around and the hostages are still...uh...hostaged.  And to make matters worse, the jungles are full of dangerous plastic cobras as Shô Kosugi soon finds out.

After getting rid of the snakes with one of his ninja smoke bombs, Shô Kosugi saves the we'll-pretend-she's-pretty-because-she-seems-nice tour guide from being raped by one of the horny mercs.  Having already proven (*COUGH*) that he's a master of disguise, Shô Kosugi puts on the now-naked rapist's outfit and enters the camp so he can rescue the kidnapped congressman who Alby and Honey have separated from the rest of the hostages to serve as bait (did I mention that one of hostages was a congressman?  No?  Don't worry about it.  It really isn't important).

Thanks to his brilliant disguise, Shô Kosugi is able to rescue the congressman, but he just narrowly avoids getting shot by the terrorists.  This scuffle is heard by the rest of the hostages who are growing ever more concerned about the health of the young girl with the heart problem and improbably Anglo mother.  Knowing someone has to do something, Kane Kosugi earns his lil' paycheck by escaping from their makeshift prison and searching for the nasty man who stole the girl's medicine.  Meanwhile back in villain central, Honey informs Alby that the team has managed to rescue both the tour guide and the congressman and is shocked by his nonplussed reaction.  Why isn't he upset?  Because his true love has finally returned to him and all is right with the world!

As they celebrate their reunion, lil' Kane sneaks up on the merc who stole the homely girl's medicine and uses his nunchucks to put a spider (or something) into the guy's hair, causing the dog of war to jump with shock and giving the boy the chance he needs to retrieve the medicine from the man's jacket. 

At this point our heroes are in a cave where they have stumbled upon some actual ninjas in actual ninja pajamas.  How they got there and who they are working for are questions best left unasked because this is supposed to be a ninja movie so let's not look this gift horse in the mouth.  As they battle, lil' Kane is stopped in his attempt to return to his fellow hostages by a nasty merc, who the boy quickly takes care of with his nunchucks and youthful fighting skills.  You know what?  All little children should be allowed to protect themselves with ninja weapons!  After watching this movie it is hard to argue otherwise!  With the merc out of the way, our lil' hero is able to get the medicine to the little girl and receives a grateful hug from her strangely pale mother for his efforts.

And finally, back in the caves, after 80 minutes of waiting we get to see a kickass ninja fight sequence!

Oh, wait...  We don't. 

Y'see it's not a good idea to shoot a fight sequence in a dark cave when most of your participants are dressed head to toe in black pajamas.  In the end all we can really see is Shô Kosugi waving his sword around, presumably hitting the black shapes moving blearily around him.  As he fights for his life, Rahji sets up a bomb in the cave, while White Asshole is wounded by an arrow shot by a ninja who may or may not be the old guy who called Shô Kosugi a pussy in the flashback.

Unfortunately White Asshole survives his injury, but Shô Kosugi is still pissed off enough t0 run after the bow and arrow wielding ninja and kick his ass (thus proving he's found his path to insight or some such Eastern shit).  Meanwhile the bomb Rahji set is ticking down to detonation.  Having avenged his friend's ouchy Shô Kosugi is alerted to the bomb's existence by lil' Kane, but before he can defuse it, he's attacked by an axe wielding Rahji.  After a fight sequence that's almost as awkward as the one with the hooker on the beach, Shô Kosugi defeats the monstrous Muslim by stuffing a ninja smoke bomb in his mouth.

With that the giant is defeated.  The bomb is defused and the hostages are rescued.

But what about Honey and Alby?  Patience, dear ones, patience.

As our hostages engage in what appears to be a post-abduction tea party, our two villains crash their get-together only to discover it's a trap meant to lure them into showing themselves in public.  Why they would actually be stupid enough to fall for such a ruse is a question best left unasked because Veronica Mars is about to start and I seriously want to wrap this up.  So, to make a long story short--Honey is trapped in a flimsy net and Alby is chased onto a polo field where he is thrown off his wheelchair and killed by galloping polo ponys.  No, seriously, I'm not kidding.  See for yourself:

And then White Asshole and CBG flirt with the possibilty of becoming a couple after being offered a job over the phone by Creepy, while Shô Kosugi hands out lollipops to the three kids. 

The End.

So that was Nine Deaths of the Ninja, a film so badly made that is impossible to determine what was lousy by design and what was lousy by accident, thus leaving the viewer unable to decide if they have seen a truly bad satire of an action movie or just a truly bad action movie.  Now, if you will excuse me, Veronica Mars is starting and I can't miss a second of it.

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