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Sorting Out the Real TV Jewels
posted Wednesday, 15 November 2006
Guess what I recently found out?
The family sitcom is not dead, it's just been waiting for the right rock star....
Like I suspect most people did, I immediately dismissed the new Gene Simmons reality tv show as a shameless rip off of the The Osbournes the first time I heard about it. And not only that, but I dismissed it as an unforgivably tardy one as well, coming as it did directly on the heels of Hogan Knows Best, The Princes of Malibu, The Anna Nicole Show and Growing Up Gotti. Since I found all of those shows completely unwatchable, I couldn't see how this newest entry in the burgeoning genre could fare any better.
I am an asshole.
Having just seen several episodes, I am amazed to report that Gene Simmons Family Jewels succeeds where all of the other shows I mentioned failed. And the reason for this success is entirely due to one simple fact--it's about a family full of smart, funny and--GASP--interesting people.
To appreciate how refreshing the Simmons are as a television family, one only has to compare them to their most recent reality tv competition, the Hogans:
1) Dad
Gene Simmons
Occupation: Rock Star/Author/Actor//Reality TV Show Star/Shameless Money-Grubbing Whore
Major Claim to Fame: Bedded over 4600 groupies during his years touring as The Demon (aka the bassist) for KISS, the greatest bad rock and roll band of all time. Has an enormous tongue. Used to date Cher before starting a relationship with Miss Tweed.
Standard At Work Wardrobe: 10-inch platform boots, leather straps, spandex pants and a cape.
Standard Everyday Wardrobe: Normal black suits.
Piece of Completely Pointless Trivia: Has acknowledged that he bedded his very first groupie in my hometown of Edmonton, Alberta.
What You May Not Know About Him: He was born in Israel and emigrated to the United States when he was a young child. Has never gotten drunk or done drugs.
What Makes Him Different From Most Other Sitcom Dads: Has never been married and can frequently be heard ranting about the foolishness of state-sponsored matrimony. Has had sex with over 4600 groupies. Sang the lead vocals on "Domino".
Why He Is Awesome: He played the bad guy in Runaway, Never Too Young to Die and Wanted: Dead or Alive. Released a solo album in the 70s on which he sang a cover of "When You Wish Upon A Star."
Why He Is Not Awesome: Will do anything for money. Obviously not picky about who he sleeps with. Most of his business ventures involve him putting either his face or the KISS logo on pre-existing products.
Negative Personality Quirks: Has a tendency to hit on any woman in his vicinity. Loves his own reflection. Does not suffer fools. Can be a major asshole. Is an enormous egomaniac, whose office is a shrine to himself.
Positive Personality Quirks: Loves his family. Is willing to take risks and embarass himself. Is fully aware that he is an asshole and has no problem admitting it.
Hulk Hogan
Occupation: Professional Wrestler/Actor/Reality TV Show Star/Author/Shameless Money-Grubbing Whore
Major Claim to Fame: Bodyslamming Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III. Reaching the highest level of achievement in his field, with the least amount of talent. Starred with Chris Lemmon in the syndicated Thunder in Paradise.
Standard At Work Wardrobe: Yellow swim trunks, shredded T-shirt and a feathered boa.
Standard Everyday Wardrobe: Anything without sleeves.
Piece of Completely Pointless Trivia: Did not play himself in the animated 80s classic Rock 'n' Wrestling . His character was instead voiced by Everyone Loves Raymond's Brad Garrett.
What You May Not Know About Him: His real name is Terry Bollea and neither his wife or his kids actually legally possess the surname of Hogan.
What Makes Him Different From Most Other Sitcom Dads: A history of steroid abuse. Unusually popular in Montreal. Fought Rocky Balboa in Rocky III.
Why He Is Awesome: The leg slam.
Why He Is Not Awesome: The leg slam.
Negative Personality Quirks: Has probably never finished reading a book, including his own. Likes to shoot guns. Probably still taking steroids. Wouldn't help push new talent by giving up the gold in major matches. Hates Randy "Macho Man" Savage.
Positive Personality Quirks: Loves his family. Can easily lift you over his head. Promoted vitamins to youngsters in the 80s. Hates the Ultimate Warrior.
2) Mom
Shannon Tweed
Occupation: Centerfold/Actress/Author/Reality TV Show Star
Major Claim to Fame: Was the Playboy Playmate of the Year in 1982. Co-starred in Hot Dog: The Motion Picture. Puts the -ilf in milf.
Standard At Work Wardrobe: Her birthday suit.
Standard Everyday Wardrobe: Jeans and blouses.
Piece of Completely Pointless Trivia: Was born in St. John's, Newfoundland and is therefore Canadian.
What You May Not Know About Her: Co-starred with Bill Maher and Adrienne Barbeau in the criminally underrated Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death.
What Makes Her Different From Most Other Sitcom Moms: The tendency to be frequently photographed naked.
Why She Is Awesome: Open to nudity. Canadian.
Why She Is Not Awesome: Has been with Gene for two decades and still hasn't sealed the deal with a wedding ring. Is way too tall.
Negative Personality Quirks: Her tendency to forgive the childish indulgences of rock stars with serious Peter Pan complexes. A little too fond of the surgeon's knife.
Positive Personality Quirks: Loves her family. A terrific laugher. Gives as good as she gets. Okay with the 4600 groupies thing.
Linda Hogan
Occupation: Housewife/Reality TV Show Star
Major Claim to Fame: Married to Hulk Hogan.
Standard At Work Wardrobe: N/A
Standard Everyday Wardrobe: I can't recall.
Piece of Completely Pointless Trivia: Is married to Hulk Hogan.
What You May Not Know About Her: Everything.
What Makes Her Different From Most Other Sitcom Moms: Lacks even the smallest iota of personal charisma.
Why She Is Awesome: Uh......
Why She Is Not Awesome: It is possible to forget that she exists while you are still looking at her. Birthed a pair of twits.
Negative Personality Quirks: Most people senses are incapable of determinining her presence.
Positive Personality Quirks: Loves her family? Not timid about touching her enormous breasts in public. Classy.
3) Oldest Child
Nick Simmons
Age: 17
Occupation: Son of Rock Star and Centerfold/Student/Intern at Father's Company/Reality TV Show Star
Most Resembles: A much, much, much handsomer version of his father.
Most Surprising Attribute: A strong wit tempered with the perspective of an endearingly smart-assed teenager.
Deserves To Be On Television Because: Has a droll deadpan delivery that puts most traditional sitcom professionals to shame. Is pretty enough to make heterosexual men blush.
Best Moment of Wit Caught on Camera: (Upon finding out that his father has been asked to join the board of Planned Parenthood) "That's like joining the board of Pringles and not knowing anything about potatoes!"
Chances of Succeeding in Life: Very good.
Chances That He Too Will Get the Opportunity to Bed 4600 Groupies Before He's 50: Very, very good.
Brooke Hogan
Age: 18
Occupation: Daughter of Profesional Wrestler and Nobody/Wannabe Singer/Reality TV Show Star
Most Resembles: Paris Hilton without the complexity.
Least Surprising Attribute: A combination of her mother's charisma and father's intellectual curiosity.
Deserves To Be On Television Because: She makes stupid people feel intelligent.
Best Moment of Wit Caught on Camera: Miming her father's famous "I can't hear you" pantomime upon receiving the Teens Choice Award for "Best Grill" (I have no idea what it means either). Unfortunately instead of doing it when it was actually appropriate (ie. when she was receiving applause) she instead waited until the screams had faded and then announced that she was going to do it, thus robbing the moment of anything even close to sponteneity.
Chances of Succeeding in Life: Depends on the timing of the "leaked" porn tape.
Chances That She Will Look Like Her Mother in 10 Years: One to one.
4) Youngest Child
Sophie Simmons
Age: 14
Occupation: Daughter of Rock Star and Centerfold/Student/Reality TV Show Star
Most Resembles: A pleasing combination of both of her parents.
Most Surprising Attribute: Despite her unique upbringing, she's just a smart, down-to-earth young girl.
Deserves To Be On Television Because: She's the genuinely cool girl every geek had a crush on in high school. Is the kind of role model kids her age should actually want to emulate.
Best Moment of Wit Caught on Camera: (Upon being told that for her career day paper she's going to help her father audition dancers for his "Gene Simmons S-exercise" project) "Let's go see the sluts!"
Chances of Succeeding in Life: Excellent.
Chances of Her Following Her Mother Into the Pages of Playboy: Zero, if her daddy has anything to say about it.
Nick Hogan
Age: 17
Occupation: Son of Profesional Wrestler and Nobody/Reality TV Show Star
Most Resembles: A pre-steroid version of his father.
Least Surprising Attribute: Is the archetype for every guy you hated in high school. He's the one who laughed during the filmstrips of Nazi attrocities in History/Social Studies class.
Deserves To Be On Television Because: He really, really doesn't.
Best Moment of Wit Caught on Camera: Never going to happen.
Chances of Succeeding in Life: Depends on when he leaks his sister's porn tape.
Chances of His Being Crippled in a Wrestling Ring Whilst Attempting to Emulate His Father's Career: Four to one.
5) Whacky Sidekicks
Tracy Tweed
Occupation: Model/Actress/Reality TV Show Star
Relation to the Series' Stars: Shannon's sister and Nick and Sophia's aunt.
Major Claim to Fame: Posed with her sister in a 1991 issue of Playboy. Played the part of Pretty in Johnny Mneumonic.
Deserves to Be on the Show Because: She makes her sister laugh so hard she almost pees her pants. Is also Canadian.
Doesn't Deserve to Be on the Show Because: She tries too hard to be constantly funny. Is even taller than her sister.
Brian Knobs
Occupation: Professional Wrestler/Best Friend/Reality TV Show Star
Relation to the Series' Stars: Hulk's "brotha from anotha motha".
Major Claim to Fame: Wore WWF tagteam gold as one of the members of the Nasty Boyz. Is slated to appear as the Judge in the upcoming syndicated series Trailer Park Justice.
Deserves to Be on the Show Because: A brotha's gots to eat.
Doesn't Deserve to Be on the Show Because: Has a propensity to point to his armpit for no reason.
All in all, the evidence against the Hogan's is pretty damning. Between these two families, the Simmons are clearly the ones you'd more likely invite into your own home (although you would do so knowing that Gene is inevitably going to hit on your mother, sister, aunt, wife and grandmother), while the Hogans would be the neighbors you'd enjoy narcing on for bylaw infractions. But beyond that, the quality that makes Family Jewels so much more entertaining than Hogan's Knows Best is the ease with which the Simmons make completely contrived and unnatural situations seem like normal parts of their everyday life. Like all reality shows, both series bear little resemblence to anything called reality, but it is only in the land of the Hulkster's that this irony is made uncomfortably explicit--nothing they do seems the slightest bit genuine.
Ultimately, it's the difference between watching an old episode of Family Ties and a concurrent episode of Growing Pains--one was a well-written piece of sitcom fluff performed by skilled comedic actors and the other was a piece of crap that starred Kirk Cameron.
I wonder if this means Nick Hogan is going to become a crazy born-again Christian?
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