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The Greatest Movie I've Never Seen
posted Wednesday, 22 November 2006
A couple days ago I rented a DVD called 42nd Street Forever: Vol.2 "The Deuce", which is a compilation of the different kinds of exploitation movie trailers you could expect to see if you happened to catch a movie at one of Time Square's famously low-rent cinemas two or three decades ago. I love DVD's like this, but I always find them difficult to watch, because I do so knowing that inevitably I will come across a trailer for a film that looks so insanely awesome that I simply HAVE to see it, only to discover--after a thorough Internet search--that it hasn't been available for years or sometimes even decades.
This compilation proved no exception to this rule, although for a time it did seem like it might, since they waited until the very last of the 50+ previews before they unspooled before me a work of such transcendental genius I felt my life changing as I watched it. Of course the movie isn't available on DVD and there's a chance that it was never even released on VHS (if it was I never saw it anywhere around my neck of the woods), so all I can do is wait until someone out there proves wise enough to gift the world with this film's presence once more.
But until that happens, I'd like to fill the void just a little by describing to you the film I imagined in my head that first time I watched the trailer. To add to the fun, I've decided to once again pull out the same brand of patented multimedia fun I debuted in my epic two-part tribute to 9 Deaths of the Ninja. To enjoy this fabulous gimmick, simply move your mouse's pointer over an image until you see a second image in its place. By repeating this gesture you can make it appear as though the images are moving due to a process I have dubbed Ani-motionTM.
And yes I will sue you if you use this process for your own--presumably--nefarious ends.
But enough with the threats of legal anihilation! Let's get to the action!
The movie, of course, is:
The movie begins in a dimension that looks and feels a lot like our own, only five decades into the past when life was totally like that show Happy Days (only guys who looked and dressed like the Fonz were more likely to stab you with a switchblade then give you advice on how to convince Pinky Tuskadero to be your date for the Winter Social). We watch as a young girl is seen gliding across a sidewalk on a pair of roller skates.
There is great joy and freedom in her movements. Surely as she skates across the cement pathway she is daydreaming of the day she will be able to fulfill her life's dream and become the secretary of a successful businessman. The thought of this is so exciting that she doesn't even notice that she's caught the attention of Mrs. McHomeperm and Wally, the tightly wound postman who will someday let the world know just how much it displeases him.
The young girl's daydream continues, as she imagines herself seducing her boss during one of his late-night stays at the office, where he claims he's getting important work done but is really just avoiding going home to his hateful shrew of a wife. He'll fall in love with her and leave his wife and children and take her to Mexico, where--after he's changed the will so that everything's in her name--she'll fuck him so hard he has a heart attack and makes her the wealthiest women from her graduating class. Won't Susie Wanamaker be so jealous! Serves her right for being such a stuck-up snob!
But it turns out that fate has something very different in store for the young girl. Instead of growing up and fulfilling her dream of becoming Anna Nicole Smith, she instead finds herself suddenly transported to a strange and exciting new world that bears no resemblance to anything she has ever experienced before.
Our young heroine is now in Skatetown, a wild and wonderful place where everyone has wheels on their feet and move to the same groovy beat! And not only has she been transported, she has also been transformed!
Her old name has been forgotten and she is now known only as Princess Adora. In her beautiful new body it takes only a second for her to be noticed by the man who will become the love of her life. His name is Prince Adam.
He sees her first and is so moved by her beauty that he cannot help but point at it. She notices his gesture and is happily surprised by it.
"Who? Me?" her body language indicates coquetishly.
"Yeah, you!" he indicates flirtatiously by pointing at her again.
And just like that he has forever won her heart. We know this because we see the most sacred of Skatetown's religious symbols roll in front of us.
As you are all aware, the sign of the Blue Neon Skate is only prophesized to appear when the two truest hearts in all of the land meet and become as one, beating together to the funky groove of the Lord High Jockey of the Disk, who will be on hand to give his blessing of the union.
Meanwhile we our introduced to the other denizens of Skatetown. They include:
Queen Applebum, who protects the beat with the rhythmic shaking of her buttocks,
Lord Chachi Tigerbeat, without whom no girl shall swoon,
Lady Uglyfriend, soon to become Princess Adora's faithful companion, she is renowned for her wonderful personality,
and Sir Crazyhick Shootenstein, Skatetown's slightly eccentric protector.
But not all of Skatetown's citizens are as noble as those introduced above. Some are there for their own nefarious purposes. They include:
Heather Hairkiller, whose deadly tresses can maim any mortal man,
and her identical twin sister, Silver Sadie, who uses her potent sexuality to control the unstable--
--Flecky Beardguy, whose magical top hat contains secrets even he is not fully aware of.
But our two young lovers are far too happy to take note of the dangerous folks around them.
Their bliss, however, will not last for long, as their love has earned the attention of Skatetown's most villainous cad and Prince Adam's sworn enemy--the only man who can claim an equal mastery of the beat.
Yes, it is Johnny Leathervest!
And, of course, wherever Johnny goes, Horshack Dogcollar is bound to follow, ready to do anything to please his cruel master.
Johnny grows enraged as he watches as the two lovers mock him with their happiness.
But the two of them ignore his growing fury and continue only to honour their love by spinning in the sacred circle.
Finally Johnny can take it no more!
And neither can Horshack!
To demostrate the depths of his powers, Johnny takes over the rink floor and begins punching the air to the mighty groove of the magical beat.
His demonstration awes all of those around him, including Flecky Beardguy's younger brother, Totallygay Rainbowsuspenders,
and his lover, Petunia Mustache.
Luckily for the forces of righteousness, Prince Adam is not intimidated by Johnny's powers and he proceeds to call out his sidekicks through the use of his awesome upside down scissor kicks!
The first to heed his call is Shorty Sonotgwilder, who has the mighy power of the pratfall at his command,
and he is soon followed by Sasseniqua Spandex, whose ample bosom is only equalled by her amusingly sassy demeanor.
But unfortunately for our heroes, Johnny has allies of his own to aid him in his battle. Among them are the fierce Pretzel Twins, who contort their bodies into strange shapes in order to bowl over their competitors.
Also on the side of villainy is Mr. Fliply Disdainful, who looks upon everything with an eye of disapproval along with his partner--
--Delores Snidely, who constantly expresses her perpetual unhappyness by spitting cobra venom at all who stand in her way!
Who will win? Will the cold-hearted hatred of Johnny Leathervest--
--be able to defeat the ever-spinning love of Prince Adam and Princess Adora?
Only the beat will decide and we all know what an unpredictably fickle bitch she can be!
Okay so that's the movie I saw in my head when I watched the trailer. I wouldn't be surprised if the one you imagine ends up being completely different. Here then, so you can judge for yourself, is the complete trailer to 1979s Skatetown, USA:
Commentary From the Masses (3)